2014 in Review

Here's a look back at the previous year. There's more to be said but I know my audience and their attention spans have been ruined through Xbox and too many packets of Frazzles.  

Comedy-wise it's been a year of ups and not ups. On the plus side I've pulled together my second show, 'Welcome to Tiddleminster' which I performed for 2 nights at the Hen & Chickens. It's unhinged but a strong enough start to make me froth at the prospect of taking it to Edinburgh. I'll be working on some other shows over 2015 and first one will be the Valentine's Day Crying Duck Special, where a group of us will be working on new pieces ranging from the ridiculous to the totally off-the-reservation mental.   

This year I flung myself willingly into the mincer, aka the world of stand up comedy competitions and walked away empty handed unless you count bitterness and crushed self esteem. A friend once said that competitions reminded him of someone playing a guitar really fast. You end up fixated on how fast the guitar is being played rather than listening to the music. Which, like most things Javier says, makes perfect sense to me. 

The organiser and MC of one of these competitions did an interview in which he despaired at the state of the live circuit and the new acts coming through as a result of dwindling chances to progress on the live circuit. However, from the quality of the MC work, I think that just because somebody has been going a lifetime doesn't mean their opinion is worth much. Either way, I'm going to stay away from them, for the most part, in 2015 and focus on being better, sexier and more woollen.

And here are more personal discoveries I made in the year of our Lord Michael Ball, two thousand and fourteen:

• Having a large amount of laser-sight red dots trained onto your head and chest feels very much like an outdoor heater.
• "That's business" is a phrase used by incompetent bullies who categorically fail to produce results.  
• The first year of my 30's has seen my capacity for production increase exponentially. The downside is that I'm referring specifically to earwax, which is now being churned out on an industrial scale. I've found that if applied just above your door frame it's a great way to keep salesmen, Jehovah's Witnesses and loved ones away.   

Highly coveted. 

The CANTY's 2014

In honour of my tour of the grind house this year, I've set up my own highly prestigious awards - The CANTY's*. Well done to everyone who entered and a big thank you to the Korean prisoners who helped me count and tally the votes, thus earning some fags and a block of contraband 70% cacao for currency in a fiercely territorial economy.  

Without further ado, here are this year's winners: 

• And the 'visible veins' award, goes to Alasdair Beckett King.
• By unanimous verdict, the award for 'nice hug bub, but I'm going to check my wallet is still there' goes to Ian Lane.
• And the most prestigious award of all, the highly coveted 'most likely to be found severely decomposed in the alley behind an old abandoned Bingo Hall and then broken down and washed away with an industrial strength hose by disgruntled street cleaners' award, goes to... Sunil Patel!

That's me done, winding down in style with a sherbet dip. Check back here in 2015 for more of whatever this is but with added moths, boils and Minecraft.

*Please note, The CANTY's are purely fictional, have no cash value and will actively hold your career back if spoken of aloud.