Really 'Merica? The Terrifying Rise of the Oculus Rift

Perennial sore thumb and Brit abroad Lee Jones keeps us updated with what’s afoot across the pond. 

So the big thing out of 'Merica right now is Oculus Rift. Don't worry, it's not a sex disease (calm down Britain, you prudes), rather it's the next step in the evolution of computer games. Oculus Rift is a 360 degree video eye mask that immerses you in the game. Better than playing really, really close to the telly, these babies put you in the game. 

So what will this mean for mankind? Well, early on not much. The introverted nerds will merely become more introverted and spend more time in World of Warcraft, rubbing off trolls into pixelated leaves. The first deaths from starvation will probably come in China or Korea, where those lads are nuts without the ability to be inside a computer game. But it won't be long before western gamers will start to perish, choosing a life inside The Legend of Zelda rather than living in the real world. Soon after that dole scum and ne'dowells who have shit real lives will soon find solace in an Oculus Rift mask, perhaps living out their Grand Theft Auto fantasies rather than nicking real cars or yelling about their tattered lives outside a Yates Wine Bar.

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Word will spread that you can have more fun in the digital world than the real. Really messed up porno will be shot to adapt to the 360 demands of an Oculus Rift mask. Penis extension packs will undoubtedly be developed and soon all the world's men will just spend their days being milked like sad, flabby cows.

Eventually most of mankind will put on an Oculus Rift headset and choose a life better than this. Affluent players will hire servants to wipe their arse and feed them fois gras while they enjoy their digital worlds. But soon every human, even the Mexican serfs, will be enjoying a better life online and our world will come to an end.

So get ready chaps, the end is nigh. It's a sad end, a whimper rather than the bang we were all expecting, but really we don't deserve anything better. Get that Oculus Rift headset on, get your flesh out and enjoy what's left.

America out.